I love the internet. Why? Because of the serendipity of e-mails like the following. Last week I was quickly checking e-mail while getting ready for work–when this popped into my inbox (posted here with permission).
Dear Switched On Mom,
I feel as though it is a little bizarre for me to contact you like this, I just came across your blog and I was wanting to ask you for advice. I really hope you don’t mind me approaching you like this! I’m at my wits’ end and need the advice of another mother.
This is about my three-year-old son. I cannot say that he is gifted but he is most definitely something and with every week that passes I am getting more and more frustrated and clueless as to how to deal with him. I feel as though he needs so much more from me – but I have no idea what! I feel as though if only I knew how best to deal with him, we would all be so much happier.
He’s had some serious medical problems due to complications at birth, which is why his physical development hasn’t been at all advanced. We were told by doctors that he would be behind so his “normal” progress has been such a blessing. The trouble is, the older he gets, the more I have to admit that no, he isn’t normal but not in any way I can define. He is not a great sleeper, so none of us get much sleep, even though we’re so strict about routine. He is a non-stop talker, from the moment his eyes are open, that mouth is going – it’s like a compulsive thing and he’s been like this since even before he could talk. Mind you, what he is saying makes sense and he has a big vocabulary, he is like a little old man with it. He doesn’t play with his toys in a normal way, he lines them up or makes towers out of them or wacky inventions, aeroships, and we’re not allowed to touch them. He also has a whole host of imaginary friends with strange names and he updates me on their strange activities from moment to moment. The friends have been around since he was just over two and a half. He also refuses to watch TV, which I find strange and I worry about it, but nobody takes me seriously about this.
[Mentally, I am going "check, check, check..."]
What I’m finding the hardest is the questions. Everything is “why?” “why not?” “what?” “how?” in an incessant barrage. If I don’t answer clearly or I fob him off with “I don’t know,” he will just repeat himself until I give him an answer he’s satisfied with. He challenges absolutely everything, often, seemingly, for the sake of challenge. He often deliberately doesn’t do as he is told to test how we will react, or he will repeatedly ask a question he knows the answer to, which I also think is a kind of test. He is such a perfectionist and wants everything just right, if it is the “wrong” spoon or bowl he won’t eat from it, if the chair has a speck of dirt, he won’t sit on it, he has to have his bed cover his way or he won’t lie down on his bed etc etc. Recently, I’ve managed to direct his questions and his “little ways” more constructively by reading to him as often as I can throughout the day but it seems that the more input he gets, the more he wants. As a by-product of this, he’s started recognising some letters and can read “porridge” (!) and his name. Apart from that, which is probably pretty common for this age (3 and 4 months), I wouldn’t really have said he was gifted because he isn’t much of a memoriser. He has known his numbers, colours and shapes for ages but he doesn’t fit the typically gifted checklist. But I’m coming to see that not all children are as intense, demanding and high maintenance as he is, and I really want to get a handle on what he is so that I can deal with him better!
["Check, check, check..."]
I’ve asked his paediatrician and he has outright said to me that he definitely doesn’t have autism because he is so sociable and verbally engaging (he is very tuned in to other people’s emotions and can really play them), and also that he doesn’t have behavioural problems. He was quite dismissive in a nice way when I suggested taking my son to a psychologist, which is why I gave up the idea. I know he doesn’t have ADHD – he is hyperactive but in an attention surfeit way – if only we could have a bit of attention deficit on some days!
He has one day a week at nursery/preschool but they put him in with a class of really little kids and oh dear. Every time I went to pick him up, the staff would complain to me about his bossy, rigid and controlling behaviour – all the characteristics that come out when he is bored. Now they will be moving him to a more appropriate class, but he will still be one of the oldest kids. He doesn’t like the big kids because he’s not the top dog, oh dear. I’d like to send him to preschool on more days but we’re very restricted by his bad asthma. I’d need to go out to work to afford to put him in more days, and because he is ill an almost weekly basis, I’d get the sack within a week! This also curtails our other activities, sometimes he will deign to do craft at the library but we haven’t got there in weeks because he’s been ill. He never did what he was meant to do at playgroups so I gave up on those. We just meet up with other kids he’s friends with because that is flexible but I can see he’s becoming very, very bored.
Do you think I should take him to a psychologist? When I talked to a friend about having his intelligence tested, she said at this age the test is almost valueless and probably wouldn’t give me much to go on. I read an article online about “overexcitabilities” and he checked every point in two of the categories. I’m really not sure where to start with this though. Can he be overexcitable without being gifted? I’m really sorry to bother you with all these questions and take up your time like this, I just feel as though I’m so much in the dark. We live in Australia, by the way. I have checked out the Gifted and Talented website of [acronym] but they seem scary and don’t seem to have a section on where to go for help.
Thank you, and again I’m sorry about the length of this.
All the best…
Yes, this mom on the other side of the globe had somehow stumbled onto my blog. I quickly switched from phone to keyboard and banged out a reply. I told her that based on all she had written, he sounded potentially very gifted. The temperament, the talking and vocabulary, the questions (more a sign of giftedness, in my opinion than memorizing), the sleep issue, the imaginary friends, rigidity, etc. etc. He sounded “typical.”
Trust your instincts. Over and over it’s been shown that parents know in their gut that something is going on. I would absolutely say disregard the pediatrician and find a psychologist who works with gifted kids…. Miraca Gross is in Australia. Here are some resources I just pulled off of HoagiesGifted.org…
I hooked her up with some contacts in her country, parent listservs, a book recommendation…
For books, I really like Losing Our Minds which speaks of levels of giftedness and describes in detail what kids are like at young ages (It’s linked in my sidebar). In the meantime, you’re going to have to “feed the beast.” Give him what he needs intellectually–even if it is years beyond what people say he “should” have access to. Give him books to look at … ones far beyond his years, books on tape when you get exhausted of reading aloud. Give him lots of materials to experiment and play with. I’m not sure where you are, but could you find a empathetic college student who is interested in child development who could spend some time playing with him and answering questions and give you a break?
Those are my thoughts on the fly. I really need to hop in the shower now. But thank you for trusting me and do keep my updated and let me know if any of these resources are helpful to you.
Best wishes….
I have to say I went to work that morning with a smile on my face, thinking that in a matter of minutes I might have been able to help a mom–in Australia! I loved her e-mail because it so clearly captures what it’s like to be a mom of a young “more child.” (I would bet dollars to donuts that her son is exceptionally gifted just based on her description.) It underscores the point I’ve been trying to make all along on this blog: that there are kids who just come into the world “that way”–more. He’s three. His mom has not been reading the encyclopedia to him or “hot housing” him. She’s not “making” him this way. She’s not “bragging” or being pushy. To the contrary, to me she sounded kind of exhausted and alone and probably would love for him to be a little bit more like other kids.
Next post…her reply.
We got both kids involved in music and art during preschool, which helped a lot. Music has everything in it – patterns, numbers, higher level thinking. Mom couldn’t aways keep up, but it gave us a way to work together. Most important, it was a fun time together.
Music doesn’t work with all gifted kids. Ours would turn off any music we had on—he found the sound irritating when he wanted to be doing something, which was most of the time. He would occasionally participate in sound-making activities but was not interested in rhythm or melody—the only music he liked was songs with funny lyrics. He memorized the lyrics quickly, but never got the tunes at all.
Boy, that brings back memories of my oldest!
In terms of formal IQ testing, a 3 yr old may or may not be able to get a reliable score. It all depends on whether the child cooperates. My 3 yr old was just tested with the WPPSI as part of the evaluation for special ed services (he has a speech delay). He got bored partway through the block design subtest and decided he’d much rather stack the blocks than copy the evaluator’s design. That dragged down his overall non-verbal IQ even though he basically ceilinged on the object assembly subtest.