The "More" Child

You never know where issues pertaining to giftedness will pop up. This week it was on Salon.com, specifically the Dear Prudie advice column. The writer relates a situation to which many parents of highly gifted kids can relate: the social awkwardness that can ensue when one’s child is far, far ahead in reaching certain milestones (See a recent comment to this blog for an example.).

“Advice” given to parents in this situation is often–to put it mildly–unhelpful. In this case, Prudie’s response was basically sound (albeit delivered with her trademarked soupcon of flippancy) but the parent seeking advice could use some further helping out. I’m taking the liberty of re-posting the original exchange:

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have a wonderful daughter. She is kind, funny, articulate, and intelligent. Extremely intelligent. She began speaking in complete sentences before she was 1 and reading when she was 3. She just turned 4. Our problem is that other parents in our social circle seem a bit intimidated by her. Their children are sweet kids, too, but not at the same developmental level as she is. They say things like, “Wow, your daughter just read that sign to me. Little Timmy can’t even talk normally. What’s wrong with him?” or “My goodness, we are behind! Your daughter is reading, and our kid isn’t even potty trained!” It embarrasses us. Yes, she is advanced, but she is still a normal kid. More importantly, there is nothing wrong with their kids! My sister-in-law and her husband are the worst with insulting their own child when they compare our kids. My first instinct is to stick up for their children because it bothers me so much that their parents are insulting them or thinking there is something wrong with them. But when I say something like, “Don’t say that. Timmy is a great kid!” this seems to offend the parents. When I say, “Everyone plateaus at the same time,” that seems wrong, too. I worry that this comparison behavior will alienate my daughter from her peer group. One family has already begun to avoid us, and our daughter noticed right away. What should I say instead so the parents quit focusing on this and start appreciating how much fun the kids have together?

—My Kid Is Normal

Dear My Kid,
Those first years of parenthood in particular can set off a competitive genetic gong. Many new parents are looking for signs that—despite their own obvious limitations—they’ve somehow produced a chromosomal champion. So they try to see genius at work when their little one swims in the toilet or eats out of the dog’s bowl. And then they go for a play date, and there’s your toddler reciting the Gettysburg Address and working out quadratic equations on her Magna Doodle. It’s deflating. Fortunately, time will take care of much of their resentment as their kids gain bladder control and become intelligible and literate. Of course, some parents (hockey moms, chess dads, members of Skull and Bones?) never let go of their competitive instincts about their kids. But as the children get older, most parents tend to be able to see them for who they are and worry less about how they stack up. For right now, when other parents make comparisons, you can shrug and say, “She is precocious in some ways. But we’re just happy she’s a good kid.” When they observe how dopey their children seem, you can laugh it off as if they were making a joke, then add, “I’m so crazy about your Timmy!” And for your own pleasure, keep good notes in your baby book about your extraordinary daughter.

—Prudie

So what more needs to be said? Here goes:

“My Kid is Normal”, no, your child is not “normal.” Yes she’s “kind,” and “funny” and delightful like hundreds of other four year olds. And no doubt she throws tantrums and spills things and acts like a four year-old just as hundreds of other four year-olds do. But in some areas–like reading at age 3 and probably others that will unfold shortly–she is definitely not normal. AND THAT’S OKAY!

Welcome.

You shouldn’t feel defensive or uncomfortable or ashamed or embarrassed by your daughter’s abilities. You don’t need to explain or be apologetic. Your job now, for the sake of your daughter: coming to terms with your own conflicted feelings and opinions and ideas about giftedness and what it all means. You must find ways to support your child in her uniqueness, so that down the road she doesn’t feel ashamed or feel the need to deny who she is.

You write “Everyone plateaus at the same time.” To that I say, “Ouch!” Sorry. No. Everyone does not plateau at the same time. In fact, not everyone plateaus. In some areas your child may start the metaphorical “race” sooner than others, and may continue to stay ahead of her peers for the rest of her life. (Note: In general you would be wise to view the word “plateau” with a skeptical eye. It is often used by educators to explain why your child is doing poorly in school. Don’t believe them.)

In short, you need to educate yourself about giftedness. Fast, while she’s still young. Read like a maniac. Read Hoagies until you go cross-eyed. But more importantly find some support, online and, if possible, in person. Attend a conference on giftedness if there is one in your area. Hang out at the library and see who else is in the children’s section. Become friends with the children’s librarian. (Seriously, they can be the most wonderfully supportive people who will take your little reader under their wings, affirm her gift and help guide you both on your learning journey.) Attend engaging events and visit museums, where you’ll find families of other kids eager to learn. Don’t restrict her “peer group” socializing to the handful of kids in your circle who are her age. Slowly you’ll find true peers for her. And eventually she’ll find peers for you. Because that’s how these things work out.